Talk:Cry Baby Lane/@comment-25013284-20140602064923
Okay. This is the one reading that brought me from youtube to this page, so I suppose it has that going for it. 1) This first one isn't so much a complaint as it is a question. I don't get these barely vague connections you have going to link back to kids shows. If you're trying to use nostalgia as a means to pull on our heart strings then you made a powerful misfire. Unfortunately my suspension of disbelief is completely ruined before this moment so I wasn't able to enjoy or believe the moments at the end, when you made the fantasy ideas that Lauer pitched and conneted them vaguely to Nickelodeon shows that eventually would air. 2) Next, he threatened to leave the studio and never come back? You're just an intern. And at Nickelodeon! Do you know how many interns would be up to fill your empty seat? You would never be able to hold your job for ransom to a big studio like them. Plus he's already replacing seasoned people left and right. The main character is less than nothing and he's threatening quiting a job that pays him a lot in something that he's completely replacable in. Sorry but I'm not buying it. 3) SUPER EVIL ANTAGONIST! I thought I'd be labelling this as a cliche but it's not. And you know why it's not a cliche? Because nobody in their right minds would make an antagonist so unlikable. This is a principle that most Literary artists should know: The best villain is the sensible one. Not baby eating, bible burning, psychotic cruelty. I will grow more attached to a villain who is calm and collected who may have some principles I agree with and some that I don't, that way I'll feel a bit of emotion when he does something morally questionable. In contrast, this villain is a crazed wierdo who somehow manages to head one of the most successful child-related channels, who swears too much, does not know the meaning of the word tact or moral moderation, and would probably have been booted out of the studio as soon as they found all the dead orphan nun skeletons in his closet at work. To combat horrible villains in your stories I suggest watching the old James Bond movies. 4) The smiling at you to denote evil cliche. I'm sorry it's a good idea for a creepypasta that tries to be subtle, not this allusion anemic arse of an iliteracy. 5) OVERUSE OF GORE! I've harped on this like harpyest harp seal strumming their harp to the heavens, but I'll always do it some more. "Yeah and then they chop him into little pieces and force feed them to his dog." After hearing this I'm convinced the writer is a teenager. (Not only because they always are but because only a teenager tries to force the gore and evil this hard) I guess its just on that list of things that just aren't for me, along with Roller Coaster Simulators and scat parties. Though is these are on your list I have nothing against you, I just let you watch over things that are precious to me anymore or or things that aren't precious to me, or breath the same air that I've breathed ever. 6) INCONSISTENT CHARACTERS. The protagonist threatens to leave the studio at the start, then a small time later, he won't even leave the room. "Sit" "For some reason I did..." What? You threaten to leave your entire job to start and now you won't even leave the room? And the reasoning behind it was piss poor. Oh I just sat back down "FOR SOME REASON". I'm sorry that needs a bit more explaining than I just did it. 7) THE FIRST THING TO GO WHEN YOU TURN EVIL IS YOUR TEETH. THis is a tiny nitpick but it's been done so often. Apparently the antagonist now has a duty to uphold the mantle of other antagonists to never brush their teeth again. I don't really get the point of this. It's not really alluding to anything. Who really cares? 8) OH IT'S SUCH A CRUEL WOLRD cliche. “Oh, I’m fucked up alright, but you have to be fucked up to survive in this cut-throat world!" You know what, this world is alright. I like it. It's the only planet in the solar system I really want to live in. Maybe it's part of his character, but I'm not about to hear this shit from somebody who's working at Nickelodeon. If he really thought the world was this shit he wouldn't try so hard to be a part of it. I think it's just a line the author wanted to use. 9) ABUSE OF ADJECTIVES. There's a safe haven for adjectives. Don't overuse or underuse them. And don't completely take them out of the equation when trying to describe something. Perfect example: "For some reason I did..." Don't just say for some reason. What are his motivations for continuing to stay? Whay didn't he leave and never come back. What did him staying have to contribute to the story? 10) EYES BLEEDING cliche. This one might have been acceptable had this story been any good. By the time we got to this I was laughing at almost every sad attempt at allusion that was made. "The boy's arms were chopped off and even though it was a projection the boy's eyes opened and he began to cry blood and it was so spooky." Just because the anime "Berserker" did it with Griffith's behlett doesn't mean it's infinitely translatable. The jewel crying blood in that anime was representative of Griffith's sins and the blood of those he sacrificed to become an immortal god. Here it's just "Oooh look at this spooky thing!" Terrible. 11) PROTAGONIST COMMITTING SUICIDE cliche. This is just terrible. "I saw some fucked up wierdo show me some creepy stuff so now I'm going to redecorate the walls with the memories of my childhood!" Nobody would do this. People learn to cope. They live and move on. He escaped and is out of danger, there's nothing he has to fear. But in creepypasta lives are expendible so I guess we gotta crowbar this shit in somewhere right? Final Judgement: Stuck in a room with Mr Lauer and a projecter.